Friday, May 17, 2013

99.99% of you will never experience this

***DISCLAIMER---not for the weak stomach****

Today started out as any normal day. It happened to be Alex's pre-k finishing ceremony. I was able to leave work mid-day to attend. He did a great job and was jovial throughout.

About 30 minutes before my work day ended daycare called to say Alex just started vomiting. A few days earlier Ross was sick and I knew that what he had was passed to Alex.  I called the doctor's office to get an appointment and rushed out of work to get him. I had 30 minutes to leave work, pick him up, and drive to the office.

When I arrived at daycare, Alex was laying down in a completely new outfit. He barfed all over his clothes, shoes, and all. I asked daycare if I could use a towel for the ride...just in case.  On the ride to the doctor's I notice him getting very pale so I drove a bit faster and envisioned him puking in the parking lot as soon as I opened the door.  That didn't happen. He also said he had to pee so I made a mental note to sign in and get the specimen cup as I signed in.

Since Alex puked on his shoes I had to carry him in to the office. This made me queasy because then I envisioned him puking on me and I had no extra clothes. I get about 5 feet in to the doctor's office and I hear him know, because he's right by my ear since I'm holding him. I throw the towel on the floor and start to put him down and he unleashes. Everyone in the waiting room winces and moves a little further away from us. The nurse hands me a puke tray and ushers us to the back asap. The towel is on the floor covered in puke. I never signed in and Alex never got to pee.

Fast forward a few steps in the office....he has strep throat and needs a shot.  That was miserable, it took me, and 2 nurses to hold him down and give him the shot.  After that's over he does not want a prize, he even wanted me to throw away his red ("that's my favorite color") lollipop.

Fast forward again, so we leave the doctor's office and he weakly tells me that he wants a snowball. I think about it and decide that it might be a good idea because it's cold and will feel good on his throat. I go to the nearest snowball stand and park a spot away from the ordering window but my van is blocked by another van. I go order the snowballs then walk back to the van to be with Alex...yes, I left him in the van while it was running. He didn't have shoes, what're you gonna do?

I notice he looks pale again so I hold up the puke tray.  Meanwhile he tells me he has to pee. Now I know he really has to go because he told me so an hour ago and we all forgot because of the waiting room puking catastrophe. I look around and there are cars and people everywhere so I decide to pick up a dirty coffee cup off my van floor and have him pee in that while standing in the van. He pulls his pants down *just enough* to manage to pee. About 5 seconds in to the peeing, he gags. Now I am holding my coffee/pee cup in my left hand and reaching for the puke tray in the right hand. As I'm focusing very hard to make his puke land in the tray, a stream of liquid shoots up in the air and I realize HE'S STILL PEEING. I drop the coffee/pee cup and try to aim his penis out of my van. The pee squirts everywhere, on the back of my seat, on the floor, up my entire arm, and on the car across from me. Now I have puke and pee to dispose of AND pee up my entire arm. I was in crisis mode so I just threw it under the van.  It's a rock driveway so it'll just sink in the ground....I hope.

Right about this time, a man walks up and asks me, "Did you order a wedding cake with condensed milk? They're calling for you."

I look at my arm and it's still covered in I wipe it off, sanitize and head up there, wondering....did anyone witness this?

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